The Diaries

Thorn's Diaries.

Entry 1

Thirty minutes before the wedding and I find myself having second thoughts. I am just two words away from having something that I’ve always wanted, a lifestyle I yearned for as a child and a hold filled with people and land that I absolutely love. I feel no guilt for the deception of my groom. I don’t think that he believes that I love him and I have not over done it at all and yet…there is something in his eyes that worries me. I know he desires me, as any man desires a beautiful woman they wish to claim and show off. He would use me nearly as much as I would him. We are perfectly matched in our ambitions for each other. This is not a marriage of love and we both know it. I fully expect his treatment of me, the gifts and attempts to impress me to win my hand, will cease the moment he has me as his own. If not today then tomorrow when our guests have all left to travel back home.

My disgust for his character aside, I am not nervous to marry him. I know that death will soon part us and I shall count down the days until that happens. There are too many plots against him, too many enemies he’s made in his shady dealings and betrayals. If my own associates do not end his life, others will and it will not be far in coming.

So why do I hesitate? I find myself thinking about them more often now then I’d like. After the careless words they uttered not two weeks ago, I thought that I had come to terms with how I felt for them and tossed it aside as I should. Such a love between us is just not meant to be. It would never be allowed and the odds are so highly stacked that I thought I had done the right thing in burying my feelings. Yet their treatment of me this week has wounded me. I know they will not attend the wedding nor the ball that follows it. I shouldn’t wish for them to be there and yet I do. I find myself entertaining the fantasy of them interrupting the wedding to proclaim their love. To run away with them would ruin me in Falkreath and make a powerful enemy of its Jarl and yet, I wonder if it would be worth it. It’s just a fantasy though. They would never be so bold. Still, I linger on the what ifs. I think of them and feel as if this wedding is a betrayal of something that was almost there, of what could have been if we were different people in a different place.

I cannot falter now. Not when I am so close. They are a splinter that has lodged in my heart and festers there, causing pain and doubt when I was once so strong and sure of myself. But while they have weakened me, they will not beat me. I must let them go. I must remove the splinter. I am so close. I know that I can save Falkreath from both the Stormcloaks and the lazy tyrant who lords over them. I can do this.

I must do this.

Entry 2

It has been a week since the wedding. I have taken 50% of the responsibilities for the hold off of Nenya’s shoulders. She says that I have a real aptitude for this. Next to Siddgeir, I should certainly hope she thinks so. As I suspected, navigating the politics of Falkreath and Skyrim has been much easier than any of the vampire families I’ve had experience with.

I wish that dealing with Siddgeir was just as easy and predictable. I had thought that once he had attained me, he would have no use for me other than to parade me in front of guests. But it seems as if after the wedding he’s become even more obsessed with gaining my approval and impressing me. I would have to spend every waking hour with him if not for my dedication to the hold and my duties that come with that. I honestly don’t know what to do with his behavior. And putting off anything sexual has been quite the chore. I think I can only do it for so long. Thankfully my vampire gifts have come in handy and he is convinced that we have engaged fully in such activities.

I’m glad to have been kept so busy despite that. When I’m not busy, I’m left alone with my thoughts, and that’s a very scary thing for me lately. I know that I have done the right thing in the marriage for all the right reasons and yet I still feel awful inside when I really think about it. Not because of disgust for Siddgeir. I feel that constantly and I’m becoming immune to it. No, I’m afraid when I’m alone with my thoughts, all I can think about is him. Even if my dreams.

I can see the cemetery from my window and I can’t help but recall all the time we’d spent together there. I know it’s rather pointless to think of him while I’m still wed. He’s been keeping his distance and I have not seen him since before the wedding. My heart aches in a very real and physical fashion. I didn’t know that something could hurt like this. Not even the knowledge of my parents identity so plagued me constantly after the initial shock and reactions.

I don’t know what I’ll do. I know he expects some sort of proof of my feelings given what I’ve put him through with this plot and yet…I don’t know how to provide him with that. How do you prove you feel something? It’s not as simple as giving a gift or just speaking the right words. Or maybe it really does just require the right words but I don’t know them. Mikki and Aerina have no advice, their situations being so different. I had hoped that Aerina would have something given how things went down with her and the twins but she’s been sadly less than helpful. She tries but…

There has to be a way. Some grand gesture. I’ve spent hours thinking about it but have come up with nothing that would be suitable. I can’t even be sure that by the time my marriage is officially ended, that he will still have any interest in me. Theo is a bit of a rarity in Skyrim, a man who has both a sweet and strong heart. He is so unlike most of the men that occupy this harsh land and I can’t help but think that he’d easily find someone who could appreciate that, someone perhaps better suited to him. I am not a sweet or kind person. I try a little harder to be closer to the side of good than bad as I do not want to be anything like my parents. It worries me to think that he might believe I had played with him like my mother did. Perhaps worse than her in some ways even. But I really have no desire to cause him pain.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was someone here that I could trust to confide in. Until Siddgeir passes, it is best that I keep a certain distance. While no one in his employ favors him, they are still loyal to him because of his title, if only that alone. I have some time before I can truly win their hearts. In the meantime, I will have to be very careful about my own.

Entry 3

A hellish headache has been plaguing me for the last few days. No remedy I have taken has even so much as dented it. My head feels cloudy and heavy. My dreams are plagues by nightmares I cannot remember. I cannot begin to guess what is causing it. I do not fear poison nor magic. I am well food in both necessary ways and yet still I am ill. I hope that it is just the stress. The pressure to perform is immense and I have no one to blame on it but myself.

Entry 4

Word has reached me that a priest has tented one of the rooms in the inn for the next two weeks. Everyone is speaking about it I venture outside the castle to catch a glimpse of him. I do not think that anyone has yet figured out who he serves but I noticed the tattoo on his hand before he could hide it.

He is a priest of Boethiah, my father's Daedric rival. Nightmares and headaches are not her realm but I can't be anything but suspicious. It is too much of a coincidence that I fall ill when they come to the city. I have said nothing to Siddgeir yet. I do not wish to involve him if I do not have to. But I will keep a watchful eye out.

Entry 5

So far I have gathered no evidence that Boethiah's priest is responsible for my headaches and nightmares. I had hoped to find something. It is quickly becoming near impossible to rest. Siddgried has noticed that I am not well. Finally. I told him that it was women's troubles. He's promised to have his personal doctor care for me. The man is a skilled alchemist, supposedly. I do not know how he measures up to Mikki's people but he claims he studied at the college. I'll write to her soon if he isn't able to help me.

Entry 6

The alchemist has been a small blessing. My headaches haven't ceased but they have lessened enough that I am functional and my head is clearer. I took a walk outside the castle for the first time in days.

I almost with I hadn't. Another traveler has stopped in our city for the week. His clothes were nondescript but I recognized the symbol on the crossbow he carries. Dawnguard. I had not imagined seeing one of them here again after Siddgeir so ruthlessly dispatched of the last one.

I informed Siddgeir of this one's presence. He has men tailing him but hasn't kicked him out just yet. I do not know what he is planning but I'm happy to leave it to the guards for now. I feel too weak to handle it on my own.

Entry 7

Siddgeir had a curious expression on his face this morning. There was an intensity in his eyes that I do not understand. He seemed almost angry but I do not know at what.

I've seen that expression before. I've woken to it many mornings. But he never says a word. He's been caring for me with patience and dedication I didn't believe he possessed. I am not sure what to make of it.

He says the strangest things lately as well. He speaks of winning me as if we're not already married. I wish I knew what was in his head.

Entry 8

Last night had the most vivid dream of Theo yet. I snuck out of the castle to meet him in the cemetery where we first stayed up all night talking under the stars. I cannot explain the joy of seeing him again. My heart nearly burst right out of my chest as I ran into his arms. I spent all night speaking with him. If felt as if nothing had changed and that there was no tension between us.

But sadly it was only a dream. I felt so real that upon awakening I wept. Strangely though, I had found that I’d actually left the castle in my sleep and gone to the cemetery. I found myself there, alone. I’m a bit ashamed. I stayed an hour just to see if he would actually be there. But of course he wasn’t. I’ve given him no reason to come to me, especially not while still wed to Siddgeir.

My ill fated husband still slept when I returned to our bed. He seemed not to have noticed that I had disappeared in the night. But today he acts strangely. He goes from moments of intense silence, just staring at me in a way a predator might, to speaking far too much and being too eager and enthusiastic in spending time with me. His behavior has become slightly manic and it’s making me feel uneasy.

On the plus side, the Dawguard soldier has vanished from the town. I do not know if that is Siddgeir’s doing or if he simply chose to go once he realized he could not get close to me.

The priest remains though. I caught him staring up at my window went I went out to the balcony to have my lunch. He said nothing. He only stared at me. The guards finally noticed and shooed him away but I’m afraid I lost my appetite.

Entry 9

My dream has come true. Mistery smuggled a love letter from Theo to me. Our time apart tortures him as much as it does me. I could scarcely read his words for the tears in my eyes. I've hurt him so terribly. I wish I was being purely selfish. It would be easy to fix if I were. Sadly that isn't the case. But I am ready to be selfish. I am ready to abandon Falkreath if it would fix the damage I have done to the man that I love.

We're to meet tonight. I can scarcely wait for the moon to rise. I will once again be in his arms where I belong. I do not know what he will ask of me and I don't care. There is nothing I would deny him. No plot, no plan, no thing. If he wishes for me to stay and carry out my plot, then I shall. But if he wishes for us to run away together, then I will go without a second thought. I love Falkreath. But I love Theo more.

And tonight I aim to prove it.